Performance Pressure

GOD IS FINALLY GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT I'M NEVER GOING TO BE FIXED AND WHEN HE FIGURES THAT OUT HE'LL LEAVE.

Worst fear right there. I'm afraid that if I keep rebelling and if transformation keeps taking so long because I'm either lazy or immature... then I'll stop making forward progress at all, and He'll leave. He'll quit. If I don't keep my butt moving towards some kind of "goodness" than He'll leave me to do it on my own. It's like some insane school progress report - no matter how stupid Jimmy is, "as long as he makes progress the, the school will continue to support him academically" - but if it looks like he's coming to any kind of a halt... he's out. It's not where he is that's the problem, it's the fact that he's not on his way to anywhere else. I usually feel that way about God. As long as I'm moving, no matter how slowly, He's there for me. If I ever just stop...

Then today I realized that that's the stupidist thing I've ever thought.

"Of course I'll never leave you. I died for you."

God died. God was killed so that I could be transformed. If my ultimate transformation and redemption is worth that much to Him before I was actually inherently worth anything, why would He quit after He's made the investment? How completely stupid to think that He would make a commitment like that to me, a commitment that involved huge sacrifice on His part, and then back out, ever, because of anything. He's in this for the long haul. Yes, sometimes I feel like I've stopped moving or that I'm moving backwards. But God was willing to invest His life for me so that I could be eventually His, and so because of that truth I'm willing to bet that even when I'm going backwards and sideways and upsidedown, He's not ever going to stop working in me and on me.

Whew.