Get Out of My Head

I just really want to stop trying so frikken hard. I'm sick of trying to look good, and trying to say the right things, and trying to get good grades, and trying to make the right people like me, and trying to write wise words, and trying to Be Someone and trying to Do Something Important, and trying to impress my best friend, and trying to have everyone see the Me that I've never seen but somehow believe that if I can fool someone else into seeing it than somehow it'll be true.

Whence came all this insecurity? Whence came all this acting?

But on the other hand, I want to be good and right and intelligent which are good things to want, no? To want to be mature, and wise, and all that great stuff. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better than one is, no? Or no?

But on the other hand, there is such a difference between wanting to be wise and wanting people to think that you're wise, between wanting to be intelligent and wanting to get good grades, between wanting to love Jesus and wanting to be a person that loves Jesus!

But on the other hand, I'm afraid that if I stop looking at myself and trying to fix myself that what I'll end up with will be a slovenly, lazy, silly, immature, unintelligent recycling bin of shredded paper. If I stop trying... than that's what I'll be. Becuase I see that my non-striving-self is selfish and immature and ridiculous. So when I am "trying to get X to like me," I am usually recognizing some wisdom or maturity or selflessness in someone else that I wish I could have, and I'm drawn to X, but the truth is that I'm not really the kind of person that X hangs out with... so I try. I try to be someone that they'll like. I act and pretend and usually end up looking pretty silly.

What am I supposed to do?

Humph, I hear the answer. (I hate it when I hear the answer to my questions...) Stop looking inside, stop looking at yourself, LOOK UP! and LOOK AROUND! You're sick of the voices inside your head? Well, stop listening to them. You aren't sick of trying, you're sick of trying for the wrong thing. Stop trying for the image, start trying for the reality. Stop trying to "be the kind of person who loves..." and start trying "to love." Stop trying to "be the kind of person who is intelligent" and start learning. Stop looking in and look up.

But on the other hand...

Or is there really no "other hand" after the command to "look up"?