I think that sometimes I sin just because I'm bored. I do things I don't really want to do, I act in ways I didn't mean to, I give up on battles that should be easy... because otherwise... it's just... life as usual. Doing the right thing every day isn't hard... but its sameness is draining.
True confessions of a self-proclaimed drama queen - whenever there's no battle and no emotional rush life is so grey and pale and monotonous that sometimes I - invent a battle. It's not usually conscious - "Oh, woe is me, I am so very bored, I ought to sink into depression and whine to a friend because otherwise the sky shall be grey and my life shall be a pallate of differing shades of brown!". But I feel myself getting antsy, spoiling for a fight even if I won't win it, just to shake things up.
It's hard coming off of massive spiritual gains and massive spiritual battles. You have radical highs and lows, you fight important battles and sometimes you lose and sometimes you win, but you never wake up and feel like luke warm oatmeal. Things are real, God is real, temptation is real, everything is painted in such harsh and sharp colors that life may suck but it's never in danger of just being ... bland. It's like hiking. I don't mind the steep hiking as much (well, unless there's ice...) as the steady uphill that is so... boring... and hard...
So rather than be bored, you make up a battle. Or you pretend that you're still fighting an old battle. Or you succumb to the old sins because than at least something will be happening.
Adventure! Action! Tears and laughter! Sword fights! Damsels in distress!
Yes, this is where God is calling me. I do believe that my spiritual growth in "steady uphill" is stronger and more lasting than the icy-cliff-face growth. But oh God, it's so painfully - boring.
No comments:
Post a Comment